What's the quickest way to the top?

I don’t belong to the night, it belongs to me.

Insomnia has pretty much become a hobby of mine. It’s so bad and it’s always been there. I’ve tried to get into better sleeping habits using different substances, sounds, stretches, mantras, sheets, pillows, shutters, headphones and none of them ever worked enough. The state of being Awake was always the winner.

Now, I’m 22. Insomnia’s been the game since I was 12, at least. I still try to find new ways, but am never committed to them as fully as I would need to be to see the results for long term. I have come to embrace my inability to will myself to sleep. Maybe it’s because I’m too lazy to commit to a possible solution, or I’ve been through so many attempts that I’m exhausted (haha) but it’s probably because it is such an important element of my entire personality.

When would I have gotten so drawn into books that I couldn’t stop reading until my eyelids gave out or the book ended?

When would I have written page after page and book after book of my mind’s process and projections of  the world?

When would I have had all those late night phone conversations with people I wanted to be dreaming about anyway?

When would I have slaved away in some fantasy video game until I got the results I wanted with a proficient strategy so well-formed?

When would I have created my own worlds and stories and people for my own pleasure and understanding?

When would I have decided I wanted to learn how to do makeup at a professional level, paint a mural on my wall of truffula trees, write short stories, become an engineer, learn to play the guitar, move on, move out, or even just do my homework?

When would I have asked question, after question, after question and established my deeply ingrained strategic and logical skills which are so deeply ingrained simply because my mind and personality were their training grounds?

When would I have reached such a blissful and peaceful state of mind in which I came to discover the greatest, most shocking and inspiring thing in life is the human mind and it’s all right in my skull?

When would I have established my principles and views and learned so much about myself and my ever-changing perspective?

When would I have so precisely, so carefully yet so casually pieced myself together into the exact person I am today?

When the sleepless nights began, they reflected all the negative things in my life. Pain, sadness, disappointment, and hopelessness were the subjects. I was stuck with myself. Caged. Then, the scenarios of regrets and violence and self-hate became so detailed and pieced together carefully. The nonsense musings took on a message, and the message had to be from someone. Suddenly, I realized worth. I had a message. I was the only one who had this message, and who could so elaborately think to send it in different scenarios and stories and timelines.

When would I have learned to love myself because I am the master, the writer, the messenger and the one who truly needs to be left satisfied with my life, as a whole?

And, most of all…

When would I have written all this down so I can remember to appreciate and love every part of me, even one that has left me a drooling, husk of a person so many days?

Damn man

I read some really dumb shit on the Internet. Of course when I start reading it and realizing how idiotic or ignorant I think it is, I am compelled to continue. Just to see if it can get worse, even though it has 100% of the time.

People whining, on some high horse about issues they don’t fully understand, vehemently stating their opinions about something controversial, just to be controversial, and just oozing illogical thinking in general but being aggressive towards the opposition for their lack of logic, still. I guess it’s mostly compensation for insecurities.

And of course it’s always something about feminism or stereotypes or self worth or racism. And the person speaking is always contradicting themselves. Just more and more holes in every self-absorbed/self-righteous argument, skipping along to the next point in the thought process that will grab the most attention or make up for something they want to be for some superficial, external reason like impressing someone or seeming like they are not in the herd even though they would never leave it because the only way to be special is to have the herd beneath them.

When you have a passion for something, you naturally become well-versed in it. It’s a part of you and you want to know everything about it. Which is why it is so blatantly obvious that it’s all a ploy. Every logic-hole reveals more and more. And for what? Approval from the masses or even just one other? What a disappointing existence.

The funny thing is you can have what you want, but sticking with the herd, it seems, is of utmost importance. Which is fine, because that could be what you truly want, but if it is, no one should be able to see those holes unless you’re pickin’ up the shovel to fill ‘em in as soon as you dig ‘em and not breakin’ new ground, just diggin’ more. You’ll just get tired, look around, see those holes and wonder if there’s even any more land to dig and probably end up feelin’ as torn open and emptied out as the land you stand on.

And I’ll bet ya that there will come a time when no one’s waitin’ out front with a picnic basket and an extra shovel and a solution for you.

‘cause no one wants to have a picnic in a dirt crater.

They remember

The people they loved, their old friends

And I’ve seen through em all seen through em all and seen through most everything

All the people you knew were the actors

All the people
You knew
Were the actors

The reason I maintain my tumblr

It’s really just cause I can post stuff about the music I love and people can see it and share that musicy love.

Plus, I’m always down to see what’s up with people who love modest mouse or built to spill or the pixies or wolf parade or eisley or the tons of other bands that not enough people listen to and love.

So, thanks for clicking that little heart button. Or that one with the arrows making a rectangle. Cause to be quite honest, it actually does give me a little bit more faith in humanity to share the good times.

Why has betrayal been such a general feeling lately?

And my
And my
And my
And my
And my
My heart has
Slowly
Dried
Up!

Sing your songs

Sing them all night long baby

If its out of key well nobody’s perfect

And you don’t know how to stop it at all

You just don’t know how to stop it at all

But morning will turn turn everything back to gold

It’s hard to be a human being

And it’s harder than anything else

And I’m lonesome when you’re around

And I’m never lonesome when I’m by myself

Talking shit about a pretty sunset

blanketing opinions that I’ll probably regret soon

changed my mind so much I can’t even trust it

my mind changed me so much I can’t even trust myself

You say what you need so you’ll get more

If you could just milk it for everything

I’ve said what I said and you know what I mean

But I still can’t focus on anything

Why sleep when

I can sit on a couch for hours playing minecraft on 360 with my best friend who I barely see anymore?

His dad was oh so mad

Should have killed that little fucker

before he even had